Living in a starseed
He paced for the infinite time round and round, weaving an intricate circular path reaching nowhere.
He knew that it had to come. He stopped. Creasing his brows, he shifted his gaze at the shimmering walls.
No, he couldn't bear to look at it again. The light was too disenchanting. He wanted to scream so badly, bursting in a moment of frenzied berserk. He couldn't hold it back anymore.
Whispering at the pitch of his breath, he breathed the name several times with no relief.
"I am happy...... I am happy", he muttered in his garbled undertone. "There is blood on my hands now. I should be happy. I must be happy."
"It is a sin....... a sin...... a lie, a sin to lie, a sin to die for......."
Cold steel frames of captured memories lie scattered like broken pieces of glass in his shattered mind. The broken pieces of glass reached deep into his wounds, severing and desensitising him. He could not feel it anymore. He could only remember how it felt like for the first time.
He knew he was standing on the edge already. He want to fall, so badly. He want to spread his torn wings and plummet into the dust like a stone, driving his flesh into one with the earth. But he could not. "... it is a sin to do so!" he lamented bitterly at his fate, of some trickery or legerdemain of his kismet entwining around him, starving him of his nourishment like weeds do. It seemed that some obscene unspeakable intelligence hell bent on torturing him was afoot and he was to suffer as he is what he is.
"Please. Take my life. You can have it back. I don't want it, but neither can I take it away on my own, because you have made it a sin to do so. Please. Please do it, for my sake, for yours', for everyones'! Please....... please!"
He laid crumpled, a heap on the cold stone floor, drowning in his vomit and affliction.