Man i'm tired. L1R5 of 15. Can't go anywhere. Stupid Jonah. Stupid, stupid idiot Jonah!
Tall Tales of the Wierd and Twisted
Mr. Willy and the journey to the bottom of the septic tank
" Honey, I'm home!" Mr. Willy closed the door behind him. It was a hectic day at work, with the slave-driver going on and on about how he was to be thankful that he still has his job. If he had the time to reflect he would regret to have not spent more time studying in college, dropping out of the third year to pursue a failed music career that took him nowhere. " 9 to 5.. 9 to 5... man i'm fucking dizzy working overtime!"
" Sweetie? Was that you swearing?"
" Uh, honey... no. What's for dinner?"
" T.V dinner."
Mr. Willy turned away from his wife and gave a look of disgust. Good thing that she was too thick to know what he was thinking right now. That fat old bitch... what made him marry her in the first place? It was like one of those weekend Vegas getaways he saw on T.V... her parents went out of town, and he took the chance and his car and the gorgeous blonde teenager and his amphetamines and alcohols and weed along to Vegas for the time of their lives. There they had a shotgun wedding, Elvis style.
He looked at her again and wondered where was his source of love for her. He no longer seemed to be attracted to her. But then the smart man had already realised that a long time ago, and had taken up measures against this crisis.
" Honey, I'm going to the pub with the boys. Don't bother with the dinner, I'll come back and warm it myself!"
Slam. He started the engine and drove off, not in the direction of the pub. Oh no, he has bigger plans then just drinking and getting himself drunk silly.
Mrs. Willy looked on as her husband slammed the front door. She could the tires crunching onto the asphalt as he sped off. " It's ok, I have the T.V." she remarked to herself as she got the plastic platter out of the mircowave. Settling in front of the T.V she tucked in.
" Hmm... 8.00 p.m.... a movie... hope it's good..."
That was the life of Mrs. Willy, which can be summarised into these three actions. Endless nights of watching crappy made-for-T.V movies, digging into the unappetising mass lying in the plate in front of her. She loathed her life, and her husband. She was not happy with his prescence. Filthy trash, unloving... maybe even unfaithful. It was quite recently that she began to notice how awkward her husband has been on Friday nights, always slipping out saying that he was having a drink with the boys. Strangely enough when he returned he was neither drunk nor reeking of beer. Something suspicious was going on around here. Oh wait, the movie's started...
" Oh George for the last time have you been cheating on me?"
i
" No, my sweet Elena, I've not been seeing anyone. How could I? You are the love of my life..."
" Really? George?
" Yes my dear Elena it is all true. Now it's time for us to rest, dearie. Goodnight, my darling."
Elena looked around the room. She had found condoms in George's jacket. That was the criminating evidence she needed for this act of justice. She sneaked off and got a pair of scissors. Gingerly and stealthily she edged towards George. Inch by inch... inch by inch. Then all of a sudden she thrust the scissors forward and...
" SNIP!!!"
" Argh!!!!!!"
Mrs. Willy turned the T.V off. What a stupid story, she thought. She continued with the mess of a meal.
About midnight Mr. Willy returned, and was quite surprised that Mrs. Willy was still awake, reading a book. Normally the fat bitch would be sleeping at about 9.00 pm on the couch, dozing off in front of the telly.
" Sweetie! Why are you still awake!"
" Oh nothing, darling. Just reading my favourite novel."
" Oh really. Ok, I'm off to sleep."
With that Mr. Willy trotted off to the bedroom.
This was her big chance. Mrs. Willy took her husband's quote and rummaged through it. To her horror, she found a condom with the packaging still intact. On it, it read, " Ribbed for extra sensation!!"
That was the last straw for her. Remember the movie, she went off to get a pair of scissors. Creeping into their bedroom, she approached the motionless body of Mr. Willy.
" SNIP!!!"
" Argh!!!!!"
Mr. Willy shot up from the bed, the pain shooting from below the belt was a lot to bear. He turned to the culprit, only to witness her carrying it to the bathroom and dropping it into the john.
" Sploosh! Swish...."
Mrs. Willy curiously looked on as the object swirled and swirled in the miniature whirlpool. It seemed to be screaming for help. Oh wait, that was her husband.
" You witch! What have you done!"
" Simple. You were unfaithful. I snip off your dick."
" Unfaithful! Martha I... I was never unfaithful to you!"
" Oh then explain the condom."
" That! ARGH! THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU!"
" Huh?" Mrs. Willy was caught by surprise. " That... that was for me?"
" YES!!!" Mr. Willy grimaced with the pain chewing on him. " I want to save our marriage some how! I realised that it was my duty to do so, and that I have been going to the marriage counsellor down town to have some advice!"
" Real... really?" Mrs. Willy was bewildered. She set down, shocked. Blood still trickled down from her fingers.
" Martha..." Mr. Willy wheezed. " Please, call the paramedics."
" Oh sweetie I'm so sorry... i'm so sorry! Please forgive me! Forgive me, Dick!"
" Martha please save that for later. Right now my manhood is at stake. Call the plumbers, ask him to get heavy equipment. I'm afraid his task would be as unpleasant as my pain."
" How? The plumber can't possibly give you a penis!"
" No, but he can wade into the septic tank for it!"